Nothing prepares you for the death of your child. No course, no coaching tool allows you to easily process the prospect of your able child suddenly becoming severely disabled or dead. No sporting challenge, no tricky business deal and no academic pressure can prepare you for the completely disempowering and gut wrenching pain of your five-year old daughter being diagnosed with a massive and deadly brain tumour. The cruelness burns in every fibre of your body.
Principle 1.
Everyone needs time to process pain before they can take action.
Ensure the timing is right for the client.
When you hit a crisis your past serves as your foundation. Like a warrior that goes into battle, like a professional athlete who runs out onto the field for their final and like a neurosurgeon who makes their first cut, there's no more practice and there's no turning back. We need to live now in a way that prepares us for anything. We need to live a life that makes us mentally strong, physically fit, questioning, curious and clear. Not only because it allows us to be the best in business, parenting or everyday life, but because we never know when we will be faced with the greatest crisis of our lives.
Principle 2.
Prepare now for who you need to be in the future.
Ensure your clients have robust levels of physical and mental fitness.
July 2008, a mild and slightly overcast Melbourne Monday, I was driving along Melbourne's city bypass, Wurundjeri Way, around midday. My five-year old daughter, Ella, had been displaying some balance problems for a couple of weeks now, and we noticed she was now unable to walk up stairs without the aid of the handrails. At the beginning of four-year old kindergarten, Ella was flourishing, but by the end she had lost her vigor and complained regularly about hip and body soreness. Now at five, she could barely walk without appearing as though she was dizzy and disoriented. After a couple of GP visits followed by two Ears Nose & Throat specialists (ENTs), we still had no answers. Consequently, my wife Sophie and I decided that Ella should go to the Royal Children's Hospital - Melbourne to see a neurologist to rule out any brain problems, but we never really thought that would be an issue. Driving along Wurundjeri Way that fateful Monday my phone rang; it was Sophie and with a detectable frailty in her tone she said I needed to come to the hospital. I asked what was wrong, but she the doctors said it would be best if I waited until I got to hospital so they could explain. Immediately, I asked was it a brain tumour. Sophie burst into tears.
The Royal Children's Hospital greets you with a bizarre atmosphere of frantic and foreboding illness tempered with hope. The energy of the place is disorienting and it takes time to aclimatise. Making my way to the Neuroscience floor, a surreal feeling consumed me. I felt like I was observing someone else's life, not mine. Sophie and I were ushered into a "consultation room" down the far end of the ward deliberately well away from the other rooms. A slow numbness began to pass over me. Five or so white coats piled into this tiny room. They remained standing while Sophie and I huddled together on the bland couch as they delivered the news. There was no denying it now. My gorgeous baby girl had a massive tumour sitting right in the middle of her brain. The doctors said it was one of the worst they had ever seen.
The numbness and shock encircles you like the steady and purposeful movements of a giant python moving into position to swallow you whole. Initially, I was crippled with a mixture of disbelief, anguish and ignorance. It was like the dream when you are trying to run, but you can't move at all. Early on I remember saying to my brother,
"I need you to find out about this, I need you to find the best doctor, I need you to find some way out, because I can't process anything. I can't think."
Principle 3.
Surround yourself with people you trust.
Ensure clients have a network of trustworthy and aligned peers, mentors and advisors beyond yourself.
The hospital was a series of traumatic experiences one after another. I got to breaking point one day because I suddenly realised, that although the doctors were saying there was some hope, they actually believed Ella was about to die. Like an alarm echoing in my head I heard,
"She's going die".
"She's going die".
I saw the grim face of death on every doctor.
"She's going die".
I had to get out.
"She's going die".
I couldn't walk. I had to run.
"She's going die".
I ran down the stairs, numbly knocking people out of my way.
"She's going die".
I ran and I ran and I ran, until I collapsed sobbing and exhausted in the open parklands behind the hospital. As I sat there on the damp grass, moisture slowly seeping into my trousers, and the August wind gently chilling my body, I had an epiphany… This was my moment. I stood up, stretched out my arms and screamed, "Bring it on, you bastards!!"
Principle 4.
Define the moment or the moment will define you.
Often clients see crisis as overwhelming, drive them hard to see it as opportunity.
Personifying death helped focus my mind and shift me into action. In that moment the game changed. I went straight home and changed out of my tracksuit pants and t-shirt and into a suit. I realised the doctors weren't going to treat me like a leader if I looked like a victim. I did some yoga and meditation. I started reading and reading and reading.
Principle 5.
Change the game. Play it on your terms.
Make sure your clients are playing the right game for them, in the right way.
Ella had stopped being able to walk. She was unable to swallow. Her breathing was laboured. Despite this, her resilience was inspirational. I remember her asking,
"Dad, why is this happening to me?"
I responded without thinking and with absolute conviction,
"Because this is our journey; this is what we need to do."
Fearing this may be too ephemeral, philosophical or confusing for a five-year old I waited anxiously for her to reply. She looked at me and nodded saying,
"Ok Dad… but it's really hard."
At that point I burst into tears and put my head on her lap. Stroking my head, my five-year old daughter gently consoled me,
"It's ok Dad, it's ok."
Over the next few weeks we discovered that doctors are like any profession; they fit on the same bell curve as everybody else. 10% are poor, 80% are average, 10% are good, and 0.01% extraordinary. Unfortunately, when you're dealing with brain tumours only the extraordinary will do. To find the extraordinary, you need to challenge everyone and everything. Hospitals are designed to deal with sick kids, not proactive parents. You need to break through walls of bias, self-interest and institutionalised incompetence to find the best.
Principle 6.
No matter the industry, everyone is on a bell-curve.
Ensure clients are relying on the best information and best people for their success, not necessarily the most easily accessible.
After chemotherapy failed, the doctors suggested radiation therapy with potentially terrible side effects, but also the potential of life. Contradictions in their treatments and comments caused us to pause and reconsider. Consequently, I flew to Sydney to get a second opinion from renown neurosurgeon Dr Charlie Teo. Immediately on meeting Charlie his straight talking, charismatic and inspirational manner convinced me he was the white knight we were seeking. We had found the best of the 0.01%. Charlie met Ella on the morning of her operation and spent 15 minutes examining and talking to her. By this stage of her illness Ella had encountered over 50 doctors, none of whom she had connected with. With Charlie it was completely different. Ella eagerly answered his questions proudly showing the minimal movement she still had. Charlie responded saying that within two years she would be up walking again. Ella's eyes lit up, my heart lifted.
On October 20
th, 2008, Charlie Teo operated for 10.5 hours and saved my daughter's life.
Principle 7.
Challenge everything, particularly "absolute truths".
Ensure clients challenge all their preconceived notions of "absolute truths".
The last two years have been a profound blend of dark and light. The journey of recovery continues to challenge me but I am coaching again, scarred, stronger and battle-hardened. My coaching has taken a new and more decisive path. The constant reflections on my daughter and Charlie Teo serve to inspire me daily. I now only work with the top 10%, or those seeking to be in the top 10%. I believe the privilege of life and work should be celebrated and exploited, because the uncertainty of death is forever present. Now I only seek those who want to change the game.
Principle 8.
Coach only those that are open and hungry. Coaching is not counseling. Coaching is for those seeking to be in the top 10%. Learn to recognize when remedial medical or psychological intervention is required and refer.
Lasting inspiration comes from within, so I initially turn client's focus inward. Exploring their values and philosophies creates their daily mission and lasting rapport with me. I still use a tool I developed eight years ago – the Energy Audit. Coupled with this tool, I use the classic GROW model and a range of profiling tools. From the intensive three-hour Chandler Macleod psych-testing to the brief and cost-effective, Personal Skills Map by Dr Darwin Nelson. Regardless of the profiling tool, the next step is to audit a client's values, establish meaningful goals and determine gaps in their skills and abilities. From there, the coaching journey has its foundations, and the game is on.
Principle 9.
Have an integral coaching process based on multiple sources of expertise.
Personally, I ensure I am prepared for anything. My decade long passions for yoga, jiu jitsu and meditation undoubtedly allowed me to access my greater self in the time of my greatest crisis. Constant learning and challenging the veracity of information is imperative for us to find the truth. Without this beautiful blend of curiosity and skepticism, we can miss life without contribution. Having been a coach for nearly a decade now, I am extremely fortunate to have my 'mission' clear, for now. However, the recent two years has blown away any cobwebs of complacency or illusions of permanency with what I do. It is a privilege to be coach, and it has been a privilege to have experienced and continue to experience this dark and light filled journey of life.
Principle 10.
As a coach "Talk the talk", BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, "WALK THE WALK"!
The last twelve months have been my most rewarding both financially and emotionally in the history of my business. All I have done is apply the ten principles that I have learnt through this recent journey in a relentless and uncompromising manner. Obviously, there is nothing too unusual or special about my situation. Every person has or will experience the trauma of loss and hardship due to cancer, how you choose to deal with it is up to you.
10 COACHING PRINCIPLES SUMMARY
Principle 1.
Everyone needs time to process pain before they can take action. Ensure the timing is right for the client.
Principle 2.
Prepare now for who you need to be in the future. Ensure your clients have robust levels of physical and mental fitness.
Principle 3.
Surround yourself with people you trust. Ensure clients have a network of trustworthy and aligned peers, mentors and advisers beyond yourself.
Principle 4.
Define the moment or the moment will define you. Often clients see crisis as overwhelming, drive them hard to see it as opportunity.
Principle 5.
Change the game. Play it on your terms. Make sure your clients are playing the right game, in the right way.
Principle 6.
No matter the industry, everyone is on a bell-curve. Ensure clients are relying on the best information and best people for their success, not necessarily the most easily accessible.
Principle 7.
Challenge everything, particularly "absolute truths". Ensure clients challenge all their preconceived notions of "absolute truths".
Principle 8.
Coach only those that are open and hungry. Coaching is not counseling. Coaching is for those seeking to be in the top 10%. Learn to recognize when remedial medical or psychological intervention is required and refer.
Principle 9.
Have a coaching process based on multiple sources of expertise.
Principle 10.
As a coach Talk the talk, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, WALK THE WALK!